The hardest part of adulting is learning to let go of things. But it’s so important.
Someone fucked you over and now you have some coping response?
Well too dang bad, because unless you take responsibility for it, you’re going to do it to someone else. Blame deflection and coping behaviors are ticking time bombs.
Source: had to unlearn all kinds of things from family, peers growing up. I was paying trauma forward and had to own that so I could stop living in other people’s scars.
I had a friend who got genuinely hecked over by a family member, financially. Badly.
They kept blaming the payments on that loan for all their problems. It was bad, but they spent a lot of time dwelling on it. They spent a lot of time dwelling at me about it. As an explanation for why they had no time to deal with the consequences of how they hurt me.
Of course, at the time, this person was someone I considered a good friend. I’m pretty good at writing, at research. I offered to help them job hunt, to edit their resume, to practice interviews, as a way to help get them out of that job that they spent plenty of time complaining about.
In retrospect, I should have asked them to chill with complaining about it because it was wrecking my mental health. The excuses. The topic of setting boundaries is a post for another day! I wasn’t good at it then.
I’m not some Big Stoic Person™️, but I think the idea of taking responsibility for what you can control and trying not to fret what you can’t is solid. You can’t go back and make better calls, but stress and bad financial decisions are a cumulative loop. When you live in past errors, past traumas, it keeps you from dealing with the consequences and moving past it.
That person is no longer a friend because their scars became my scars, and they refused to make time to help heal them. They refused to even acknowledge what they did. I couldn’t heal them on my own with them in my life, so they didn’t get to be a part of it anymore.
I had to let them go. The year and a half since that last conversation has been the most productive, most healing time of my life.